Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
