Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
