remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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