That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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