I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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