I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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