I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
