got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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