why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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