im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
