If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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