Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
