im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
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