I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
