at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
