so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
