Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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