Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
