I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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