The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize