omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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