if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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