Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
