ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
