Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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