Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
