no, he came in my armpit
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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