I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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