I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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