dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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