Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dear god my vagina.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize