i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
my liver is dry heaving
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
