I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
