Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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