my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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