k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
