Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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