I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
