you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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