My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
