god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
