What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
