I am puke
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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