My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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