Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
