What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
