Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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