I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
