Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
