Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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