I wish i was in the wii world.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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