im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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