He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
