I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
