pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
should my penis look like a turkey
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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