I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have feelings that need drinking.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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