Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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