he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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