i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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