Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
