i think my tv is drunk
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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