While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
