just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I need water and some morals
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
